Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Kindness is Someone Else's Responsibility

Today, for the first time this eternity, I feel truely blessed to be single.  Being in a committed relationship seems particularly confining when I watch my friends experience it while I live vicariously through them - but it is not until recently, that it has begun to resemble willful torture.

Watching my guy friends do it is even more painful, as they clearly are in no real control of the situation and become virtuoso brainless droids strung out by Freud's principals of pleasure vs. pain in a dose much larger than any doctor would recommend; completely unresponsive to actual human emotions outside their love-dome.  It's like watching someone fall into the mythical rabbit hole - a world beyond discernable reason.  It's a horrid thing to view from an outside perspective.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Disenchanted I'm Sure..

After several months of fervently dedicating myself and a vast amount of time/energy/money to working on my physique, I have discovered that perhaps working out isn't really the ideal hobby for me.  In fact, I find it neither relaxing or particularly funertaining.  I'm leaning toward the idea that being categorized as just-slightly bordering on overweight (depending on what website you're reading) is simply an inevitable part of my life.  It is really so bad to have a little extra cushioning protecting my under represented bone structure? 
At least I can be comforted by the fact that "cute" is a commonly used adjective when describing me; and my sparklingly sarcastic yet enchantingly optimistic personality could possibly go a long way in disguising my self-proclaimed "fat-girl-ness".

"no need to shop around, you got the good stuff at home"

With 3 or 4 papers standing in the way of me and an all "A" semester it is almost like duh to say that I am currently suffering from writer's block.  Not to alarm anyone, but right now at this exact moment I am in the middle of an all out internal battle between my mental block and writing a riveting paper on the cultural relevance of the novel "No Country For Old Men" which has a due date looming in the very near future.  I can't help but find myself wanted to compare this book with the recently discovered (by me) John Wayne film "Stagecoach" - and discuss nothing else than the heroic cowboyism relationship that the main characters share.  Unfortuantely, that's not the assignment and no points are awarded for creative ingenuity i.e. going off on a tangent totally unrelated to the topic.

Writer's Block is such a rude, nonsensical phenomenon.  I understand if I was an actual writer and my legitimate career choice and therefore livelihood was based on working through the inevitable stress of being insightful, but seriously my brain needs to get it together because this paper isn't going to write itself.  I can already imagine in vivid, 3-dimensional color the domino effect that procrastinating on this paper any further will surely cause on the rest of my semesters success!  Failure ensues.

However, that doesn't seem like a viable option..I predict lots of Starbucks and Red Bull in my very near future.           

Friday, April 23, 2010

Living in The Shadow of Love..and Not Loving It!

As I am prepared to spend the rest of eternity single, the idea of being acutally alone never really popped up in my survey of the fine print- I always pictured a few people along for the ride.  So what happens when one of those chosen few finds a love interest and changes the status quo?

Currently, my on-again, off-again emotional crutch turned quite necessary and accomodating amigo has decided to take the road less traveled (ok so untraveled for me)and date in a non-casual, completely commital type of way.
It's not that I begrudge his choice to expand his happiness options (which I have felt the dramatic need to ensure him), or that i'm pining away for him (I think we've beaten that horse dead) - but, HELLO!  misery does love company, and by that it should be clearly understood that there is silent "single" in front of the word company.  Obviously, there's the completely rational fear of him abandoning me to keeping in mind..
On a more personal note - if he decides that this girl is the cliched "one," let's be honest, i'm no match for love.  Translation: i'm going to be minus one pretty crucial person in my life. 

I had a friend who once told me that you know you're ready to be in a serious relationship when you're willing to let go of your opposite sex friends - I think that's bullshit.  Although, at this moment I am obviously lacking optimism (thus my choice to indugle in Cold Stone this evening) and i'm not so confident on this being a winning battle.  Unfortunately, with finals right around the corner and the delicate line between being a 4.0 grad student and not-so-much teetering ever so slightly in my unfavor - I am unable to exert myself in such capacity involving saving my friendship until at least May. 10th.  Hmmm...maybe it's a sign.  Well as I tell him; que sera, sera.

Stay tuned! ::dramatic cliffhanger music::

Monday, April 12, 2010


Honestly, is the life of a celebrity or former celebutante really that horrible??  In the last few years it seems that the number of actors/socialites ending their own lives or "accidentally overdosing" has catapulted to the forefront of the news. 

Celebs pop pills like dying is in style - and let me assure you that death is not a fashion statement.  There is nothing glamourous about a 6 feet pile of dirt on top of you, and decay does not do a body good.  

Monday, April 5, 2010

Before I Became a Cynical Bitch..

This weekend was very reminiscent of the time before I became a cynical bitch.  I was down in Indianapolis basking in the Final Four festivities at Jillian's, where I consumes excessive amounts of  alcohol and liquid couraged my way up to hitting on the hot, Robert Pattison look-alike that had been standing within 5-feet of me for most of the game.  **By the way my future husband's name is Josh and he roots for Butler - and there is a good chance that he resides in/or around Indianapolis**  However, despite scoring an invitation to hang out with Josh & Co. at a bar afterwards, "fate" had other plans, and by the time I figured out that I should probably exchange numbers in case of such emergency, I was stuck in the sluggishly moving ladies line and he left in the meantime.  So this is my letter a guy i'll never see again, but really thought was groovy and will indebidily hang out at Cadillac Ranch next time i'm in Indy secretly wishing that he is actually a regular there and not just a one time V.I.P. patron.

Dear Josh-
     Although you were clearly wearing too many layers of clothing for the conditions, while I was desperately trying to not look sweaty, and the guys I was with made fun of your scarf..I thought you looked pretty rugged and debionaire in a very Hollywood meets East Coast kinda way - especially when Jen commented on your outfit choice and you admitted that you had yet another heavy, unseen layer on beneath your jacket, and could laugh about it anyway. 
     To be honest, I don't really appraoch men at bars - since I usually assume that they're all douches - but something about the way you made me feel uncharacteristically intimidated and how you made my stomach feel just a little bit like it did when I was 16 and how I experienced the strange sensation of butterflies when you brushed against me, gave me a little extra umph..but since i'm being completely honest, the massive amounts of liquor I consumed may have played a slight role.
     I think you look like Robert Pattinson, which i'm not even sure he would take as a compliment - but you should.  In fact, your mannerisms are exactly as I imagine his to be - despite your facade of being too cool to care (and too cool to admit that's the look you're going for), I personally witnessed you jumping up and down at the final buzzer when Butler took home the win over my own pick, Michigan State.  Something I think we could both agree would fall into the "very RPatz" category.    
     Moreover, i'm sorry I didn't make it out to where you were later that night, where I was planning on definitely, if not completely, being very direct and informing you that even though I thought your pants didn't do your behind justice, that I thought there was something about you that I found extraordinarily appealing and I would be very interested in knowing if my first impressions of you were at all correct - but since the likelyhood of me running into you ever again barring some massive karmic retrabution kicking in - thank you for giving me the giggles and allowing me to smile and stare without getting freaked out in the least. 

Yours Truely,

**Please note that my use of run-on sentences is exactly how I would picture me telling him this in person..life is funny like that sometimes - Enjoy!