The Happiness Pact

The United States has been known for making many pacts through it's history, the most notable as of late being the highly publicized [and equally embarrassing] pregnancy pact.  If you are unaware of its existence, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the facts in this helpful TIME article. 

One of the prevalent theories behind this being the need for young girls to feel loved.  However, in my opinion this is a very expensive, highly overrated, and under thought out plan of attack [like most pacts made the inexperienced..Didn't Tom Sawyer convince a group of boys, including out beloved Huck Finn that being murdering, thieving pirates was a good idea?] 

With this in mind, I'd like to propose a more cost-efficient and productive pact that I strongly believe would benefit everyone; The Happiness Pact.  Along with this brilliant pact idea, I have taken the liberty to suggest some possible options/activities that may induce happiness.

1. Break some fine China
2. Have sex on a golf course, get caught..and do it again
3. Go to Coldstone and order the "Gotta Have It" [or large] size in any of the deliciously calorically high flavors..especially if you're lactose intolerant
4. Go to the movies..alone
5. Blog [unless you are an extremist of any kind]
6. Date the guy/girl friend that you've always wondered "What if.."
7. Take a day off to work on the art of sleeping..preferably on a beach; don't forget the SPF!
8. Enjoy a family-free weekend [cell phone creators made the "ignore" button for just this purpose]
9. Take a class out of pure interest [i.e. How to read a Magazine without Blinking"]
10. Consider Friend-Love enough..for now
11. Drive down the street with a car full of children [with parental permission] and turn around 5 minutes later and return them to their owners; spend the rest of the day reminding yourself why birth control is your friend
12. Buy a pet rock - paint a face for it
13. Valium
14. Avoid anyone that you would label as "psychotic" or "unstable"
15. Keep a record of how many time you laugh in a 5 hour period
16. Use helium to produce a chipmunk voice
17. Google yourself
18. Have a photo shoot, alone, in one of those mall photo-hut booths
19. Write a letter, and mail it [I know, a pre-historic art..how retro]
20. Stop talking to that person that ALWAYS makes you "feel" worse about yourself than when the conversation started
21. Imagine yourself in an expensive couture wardrobe
22. Read Homer's "Odyssey" - note: your life/journey probably doesn't resemble torture in quite the same way
23. Engage in an educationally generous activity
24. Wear a tiara/crown for a day
25. Trip..going up the stairs - thereby proving your 4th grade science teacher with the big zit who gave you a "C-" wrong

And just for fun, some extra credit activities might be:

• Dancing in the rain with the car stereo blaring a bad 80's pop song in the background

      OR

• Pass a note using a paper airplane

Exemplar

Although I take no personal pleasure from the end of a good relationship, clearly not every relationships is going to last forever.  When you think about it, during your lifetime you will have 100's, if not 1000's, of them: personal, professional, educational, romantic, and those who fail to fit in any one category without bending and/or breaking.  It is a fair assessment that maintaining all of them for the rest of your existence is incredibly unlikely [unless you fall under the unstable character category - please feel free to take a moment to check out the definitions for the words: stalker, lunatic, insane, and clinically ill; to make sure that you are not being described].  In the case of a relationship going sour, you may need to consider writing a 'Dear John' letter of your own [which I have detailed the process of in my How to write your very own Dear John Letter! post], and will now demonstrate. 

I imagine that my letter would be targeted at a friend.  In my personal experience as people grow up, there is a probable chance that you'll lose some good ones in the process.  The transition from college undergrad to professional to grad student/professional has added some to that list.  For arguments sake, I also imagine the tone of my letter to be mildly harsh [as honesty, lightly coated in sugar, is more my style].

In my head the soundtrack seems like it would fall in place seemlessly. 
I'd probably start with something to get me in the mood, a little musically-induced energy coursing through me couldn't hurt the creative process.  Perhaps, some "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse or some "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo.  I'd follow that up with some more serious "If You Run" by Boxcar Rebellion to remind me I had a purpose and definitely "Back Up Against the Wall" from Caged Elephant.  Immediately followed by Lil' Wayne's "Drop The World," some angry Eminem beats, a little Young Buck, and maybe some reinforcement from "Friends" - Band of Skulls.  Concluding with a international sensation, "All The Same to Me" by Anya Marina.

Dear John,
Although this letter might be a bit of an overkill, since I'm pretty sure by now you've realized, and are in the process of accepting, that we've been pretending to be important to eachother for much too long.  I'd like to take the high road and admit responsibility for my part in the crash and burn of whatever you'd like to define our relationship as. 

I'd like to - but I can't.  I find that it would be pointless and counter-productive, and might leave you with the wrong impression; hope.  Let me assure you that there is none. 

I'm also painfully aware of your knack for turning things around and making them everyone else's fault regardless of the reality of the situation (really it's a brilliant talent you possess), and i'm not prepared to offer you ammunity for your selfish nature based on principle (you understand, of course). 

However, I encourage you to be conforted by the fact that for quite an extended period of time you tricked me into thinking you weren't a committment-phobic, pathologically oblivious, narcisistic, money hungry, jerk face..bravo on that accomplisment.  At least you can be confident that you may have a future as an actor..or more appropriately perhaps, a professional grifter.  

For future reference - friendships are participatory and interactive activities [look up: two-way street], the silent treatment should not be confused with "being busy" for 4 months straight, excuses-on-demand isn't the most attractive selling point in a list of qualities, and lies are best saved for people that don't have active facebook accounts [because "it's a small world after all" and "pictures say a 1000 words". 

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck in your future.  Since you have a tendency to attract the crazies [read: CRAZIES!]..you probably need it in karmic extreme doses..too bad it doesn't come as an alcoholic beverage, or you'd be set.

Forget Me Not [or whatever],
Lindsay               

This is roughly what your finished product might look for, I did move the quote portion to the end for dramatic realism.  Happy Writing!

How to Write Your Very Own Dear John

The official definition of a "Dear John" letter revolves around a romantic relationship, but im my head it seems like an appropriate extension of this concept would be to end a friendship as well.  If you think about it, frienships are also complex relationships which can end in comparatively horrible circumstances.  I think that the more important function of the letter is not who is eligible to receive one, but how can you frame your message to elicit the desired result?

There are several elements that I think are absolutely necessary in creating this work of art/passion to consider.  

ELEMENT # 1: TONE [in the 3 broadest-possible, all-encompassing categories ]:
Option A)  Harsh - If you're looking for a gut-wrenching, emotion draining, right hook the nearest innocent bystander type of reaction - than this is the option for you.  Perhaps your friend/significant other is a douche [can also be read as: dick] or has previously commited crimes against your heart [i.e. adultury, starring in an adult film without your knowledge, misunderstanding the concept of friendship being a two-person participatory activity].

Option B)  Feather Bed - this would be your "let-them-down-easy-so-they-feel-like-it-was-their-idea-and-they-are-blissfully-ignorant-of-the-fact-that-they-just-lost-the-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-them-because-it-was-their-idea" option.  By using this type of circular reasoning you can confuse and comfort your reader.  The recipient should be someone that you still have warm, fuzzy feelings for [like the way you feel after a few shots of good vodka] and ultimately are not trying to hurt - but the expiration date on this relationship has been reached and these things are best dealt with before they begin to emit odor. 

Option C) Indifference - this option is best delivered by text message; because seriously - if you don't give a shit-just phone it in hun.

ELEMENT #2: SOUNDTRACK [while writing an emotional letter it is important to set the mood with a soundtrack for success based on your chosen tone]

If you chose harsh, than chances are you are feeling angry [and chances are that's an understatement].  I would personally choose something with a "fuck the world" type of lyrical entertainment - some hardcore gangster rap would be idealic.

If you chose softly, you may be feeling nostalgic and I would suggest something in the alternative genre circa 1990's

If your indecisive, perhaps just a soundbite..text messages aren't exactly known for being time consuming efforts.

ELEMENT # 3: INTRODUCTORY QUOTE
I feel like anything you can say, someone has already said better.  Use this to your advantage..remember you are only as great as your resources. 

If you have all of these elements, a wicked talent for the pen, and a few witty prose..the letter will practically write itself.


Stay tuned for my next post, where i'll demonstrate these elements with [drum roll please..dunt da duh] an example ::gasp::

Dating Checklist - Updated

In consideration of my recent possibly Mayan ancestry, I have decided to add a new standard to my 7-Standards For Happiness (Dating Checklist) which will from hence forth have 8 requirements/strong preferences, instead of the aformentioned 7 (just in case anyone was confused [if you are confused, perhaps you haven't read 7-Standards For Happiness (Dating Checklist) and should CONSIDER reading or re-reading it before moving ahead in my thought process..or not, but if you do it's conveniently located at  7-Standards For Happiness (Dating Checklist)..either way, I support freedom of choice).  [Heyy, shameless self-promoting keeps Lindsay Lohan in the headlines..]

::guitar solo::
8.  Preferably Aztec:  I have been informed by my good friend (yes, an Aztec himself), that the Mayan and Aztecs are enemies, and let's be serious..there's nothing better than make-up sex (especially when you have that much making up to do ;)

Please apply if you meet these updated requirements, and note **all previous applications have now been shredded**

The Fate of the Mayan Civilization..is in my blood?

I have recently discovered through my illustrious research into the Mayan culture (done not entirely for self-awareness, but entirely for a research paper that my grade in the course will be realized by) that they is a not entirely incredulous or unsubstatiated theory that the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel somehow found there way ("migrated") to Mesoamerica and became better known as the Mayans; aptly titled "The Jewish Theory".  I have wholeheartedly jumped on the bandwagon, as this would explain a lot about my cultural confusion - and why I have for the better part of the last decade believed myself to be at least partially Latina. 

I believe that the Mayans and Jews share a common acestry that would make this theory very plausible..
a)  The Jews built the pyramids in Egypt - why not build a few more (that are better than the original)?!  I mean once you've built a pyramid..is there really anything stopping you??  Come on now, the sky is obviously the limit..and since they built the pyramids to reach the sky..you can see where this is going.

b)  The Jews are used to living in unfavorable environments..I give to you as evidence #1:  the 40 years they spent in the dessert.  Enough said..Jungles?  No problem!  At least it rains..

c)  The Jews are known for being good with money.  The Mayans developed one of the earliest systems for counting that money.  Simple Correlation.

Now where this theory becomes a little hazy, is the multiple G-ds thing.  In the infamous words of Whoopi Goldberg (or whoever wrote the screenplay for Sister Act), Jews are "stuck like glue to my Lord."  Note the word, Lord, no plural or any kind.  I believe that I can clear this up by adding that maybe this detour from the Jewish way is why these Jews were punished and this ended up back in the land of misery (a.k.a. Eastern Europe).

I find this argument compelling, and perhaps if archeologists revisit the theory - I must insist they include this train of thought.  

So in conclusion, I could clearly be a descendent of the Mayan Civilization...or I could be Spanish.

Hopelessly Devoted

For three years, almost to the day, I wore a "wish" bracelet.  It was nothing more than a piece of pink ribbon [yes, pink. I know ::jaw ajar::] from Brazil with something that I could never translate in Portuguese written on one side, wrapped around my wrist twice.  See I was at a festival and it was part of a booth's theme [which was?] so I said "what they hey?" and than probably something that sounded like "it's free right??"  I'm not sure if I completely understood the concept, since my wishing on stars and the clock when it strikes hours like "1:11" and "5:55" hasn't [in present tense] really worked out so well for me; or if I assumed that it would just fall off in the next couple weeks and that would be that.  
Obviously, that didn't happen.

So I did what any recent, single, and arguably somewhat employed college graduate would do.  I made all 3 of my wishes on boys. 

I'm not sure what I wished for, so I can't be completely sure that since my bracelet fell off the other day at Ikea [Bollingbrook, not Schaumberg..p.s. total disappointment] they haven't come true - but baring a miracle that I am unaware of, I think that I can pretty much say with full confidence that the bracelet was a dud.

I had a brief glimmer of hope on the way home from Ikea when the phone rang and it was 1/3 of my hearts desire [quite possibly past tense].  However comma I'm sure I could have saved the gasp..since we already had plans for that night..

Until next time..keep wishing on stars [or other sparkly things] - they can't all be broken.

Men are from Venus..and Me? I'm from Detroit.

Men.  You can't live with them.  Well I think that is pretty much the platform for my campaign, but I guess it's always a subject that is open to interpretation.  Who would I be if not a willing participant in the world of trivial debates?  I believe that would make me an isolationist of sorts, and I much prefer existing in the universe as a social butterfly flitting between conversations.  Ready, able, and all for exerting my opinion when the situation deems it appropriate [and let's face it, quite often without an invitation].   

Now women.  We are no easy piece of dessert ourselves.  Subconsciously exerting an undeniable, and sometimes less than subtle, control over our environment.  A statement perhaps as confusing as "we are women, hear us roar" - an independent notion trapped in the throws of an animalistic nature that seems to transgress the bound of feminism. 

At least men are moreso blantant in their intentions. 

Some food for thought.  Brain food if you will.

Cell Phone Memories

Have you ever looked through an old cell phone?  Today, I had the genius idea to take the mini-memory card from my smart phone and retrieve the photos that have been stuck in my last phone for an exasperated period of time.  Of course, I couldn't help but be nosy and check around to see if I had managed to not erase my old text messages.  Keeping in mind this phone only held the previous 100 texts sent and received..and my extensive texting pleasure - the left overs were pretty random; conversations that had no start, no significant end, and no supporting details. 

There were brief mentions of events that I have long since forgotten I participated in and questions regarding information that I can't fathom why anyone would need to know.

Most importantly, I was shocked at the number of people that I still keep in regular contact with.  So even though I am left with an unsettling feeling of blankness, i'm comforted by the fact that I actually have hope that the other person can fill me in.

There were also some nice reminders of why I love certain people; i.e. a text from AME that said "it means the world to me" [although honestly I have not the first clue what he's talking about, i'm sure it was in response to something extraordinarily special that I contributed to our budding friendship (and today's his birthday, so if your reading this: Happy Birthday, Gazelle!)]. 

Trashy Linguistics

As a student of English and Communications, I've been submerged in the world of literature.  I find it strange when I reference books and someone mentions that they don't read or read very little, when I read all the time: books, magazines, blogs, perezhilton.com, etc.  The more I read, the more I have come to the question of what defines the term "good book"? 

I find this to be a subjective term.  Everyone is different and therefore has a different perception of "good".  However, what is it about some books that may them so appealing to the mass audience as opposed to just a select niche market; and moreover, even novels read by popular audience can still have the capacity to be filed under the "trashy" column.  Is there even a way to quantify what books are "good"?

Romance novels, like Soap Operas, are comsumed regularly in popular culture but have historically and in present day been given a bad reputation, whereas books that make it on the New York Times Bestseller List are automatically pulled from obscurity to be considered "good".

I think a good book is one that you miss when you finish.  One that draws you in and makes you invested in the characters in the novel, like as if they're your friends.  Words that take on a life-like feel instead of two-dimensional ink marks on a page.  I've read a lot of books that someone else has considered to be a great work of art, and completely missed where the "art" started and the "boring" stopped.  I am even willing to admit, sometimes I even read books that are historically complemented just to be part of the conversation.  I want to be relevant in the discussion.   

Wanted: Wedding Date

My sister is getting married this coming November, and of course 2 months and counting I am still dateless.  Now I understand the argument that I date isn't completely necessary since i'm standing up in the wedding and I will be surrounded by family and friends..but I am still pretty set on being accompanied by a tall, tan, and handsome gentleman suitor.

I have narrowed down my list of qualifications to the following: 
1)  Must be charismatically charming
2)  Must be self-sufficient
3)  Must be able to induce conversations with little or no preperation
4)  Must possess a tan
5)  Must assume all responsibility for bringing the flask
6)  Must be willing to be embarrased and/or learn to dance the "Hora"
7)  Must be between the ages of 24-30
8)  Must enjoy large Jewish families i.e. women who complain a lot
9)  Must dable in the art of E.S.P.
10)Must not be afraid of the concept of "lack of personal space"
11)Must look beefy in a sleek suit in a very contemporary, rico-sauve like way
12)Must polish dress shoes
13)Must understand the concept "chivalry is not dead"
14)Must understand the general idea of "minority time"
15)Must hold a j-o-b, degree, deed to something


However, if I was placing a classified ad I imagine it to look more like this (since that list in print might be slightly out of my budget)

Pretty twenty-something lady seeks remarkably charismatic, self-reliant,age-appropriate (non male-cougar), intelligently employed and commonsensical gentleman candidate to accompany said pretty lady to sister's wedding; preferably one with a built in tan..must NOT be a bum,or anything that ends with an -ist, -ic, or -ish.  Fashionably, reliable("sexy") transportation encouraged(i.e. 2010 Chevy Camaro).          

Just Another Dot Com Phenomenom or The Real Deal?

The current craze in innovative career paths all lead toward social media; but I have to wonder if social media is just another dot com phenomenon? 

A decade ago, Generation X was overcome with a dabilitating desire to establish an online basis.  So much so that the collapse of this short lived era left most of them scathed and unemployed.  Generation X had essentially become overcome by the very advances in technology that had driven them to overnight success in the first place.  The idea of technological based businesses becomes problematic when technology is evolving at such a fast rate that keeping up with it becomes a job in its own.

Social media is the newest wave of internet pop culture reaching its full potention; but how long before it, like all fads, begins to reach a plateau, eventually falling into a recession, and becoming a relic.  The concentration of social networking as a marketing tool has come to replace other historically effective techniques in order to attract a changing demographic in consumers, similiar to how the dot com companies brought a new sort of product to a welcoming audience. 

The constant need for change that has become a staple in American society results in a lack of modern tradition.  We know longer have certainties, and are often dictated by a world of constant miscalculations.

Take The Lead

As part of a required lit/comm seminar, I have been reading the insightful tale The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner.  Although I more than likely would not have indulged in it if not required, I actually have enjoyed it [almost] completely.  As an extention of the reading itself, I have found myself an active participant in the conversation of "happiness." 

I have come to find out that I happen to been exponentially happier than the average person.  Perhaps, I should be the one writing the books on how to be happy that people rack up on their coffee table to induce personal satisfaction, all the while contributing to a billion dollar self-help inductry that exists - ranging from the books themselves to seminars and "life coaches" [a term I use loosely at best] and possibly past that.

What is happiness?  
The problem with happiness is that it doesn't wrap up into a cliched metaphorical box complete with a perfectly styled bow and magically poof into your life.  Happiness is an individualistic pursuit at best.  Often times, there are things that "generally" make people happy, but is there anything that makes everyone happy?  Even the simple idea of living generates opposition.

However, as an overly happy person [even considering that there are at least several times a day that I suck at life], I woud suggest that maybe happiness has nothing to do with any particular thing or action.  Maybe happiness is just being happy.  No rhyme or reason or excuse or external force.  Not the small things or the shiney things or cars that go really fact.  There is always going to be something to blame unhappiness on -poor economy, handicap, lack of opportunity, your mom, or in some cases a chemical imbalance..but interestly enough love is also considered to be a chemical imbalance - and it tends to make people happy [or insane] for the most part.

Your customizable happiness is available to you for the reasonable cost of $free.99 and can be self-installed at your convenience with small print on the "box" that reads "doesn't come with instructions."                 

Just be.

Seventeenth Summer

This summer didn't bring love..but it did bring magic.  It brought to reality a more enlightened sense of self, and an astute awareness of reality.  I've always walked the line between realist and optimist; two separate entities constantly at battle with each other.  Until recently, when I discovered that these ideologies are in cohoots. 

My life hasn't dramatically changed, but maybe that's the point.  People put far too much pressure on summer to be a season of drastic transformation, what if it just is another time, another part of the journey?  I plunged through summer - open to new adventures, ready and willing and eager for something special to "appear" - it never showed up..but I never gave up.

Tomorrow a new set of challenges will begin; and my life won't be slowing down in the forseeable future.  Honestly, I've never been happier - single and surviving.  Loved.       

Dodgeball

When it comes to winning things (particularly through online contests), I am pretty damn lucky.  Usually, it's something tangible like a book, dvd, or accessory; however, the tricky part is when it is something like a concert or trip that actually involves another person.  Since I have cut back on my non-essential associates and keep to a pretty strict close-friend lifestyle, it makes its exceptionally difficult to select a companion.  For example, today I won a trip to California (and i'm not sure if you've ever won a trip, but they don't exactly give you a lot of time to find a guest) and I needed to have one that could fill out the guest release form by tonight.  Naturally, there are a lot of things to consider when choosing a travel partner; but how do you choose between friends that are all pretty fairly matched by friend standards?  Since my best friend lives across the country, I don't have an automatic partner in crime like some people might have - making this a simple choice for them, congratulations. 

Basically, the list is narrowed down to approx. 10 people that I consider my closest friends in/close-enough to my geographic location.  From there, it's important to consider how equally my friends have benefited from my past winnings and who is obviously unavailable (well-known obligations).  From there it went to who could really use this trip - I chose my friend that recently endured a hard break-up and has yet to feel the fruits of my addiction to contest-entering.  This seems like a long process, but don't be confused, it took all of 20 seconds.

The part where things got a little sticky was when I realized that the name of my friend was needed earlier than anticipated, I contacted a 2nd friend (the one that went to L.A. with me in June - and is a proven most awesomest travel buddy) for a back-up.  This is not to say that she was any less of an equal option, I just like to be fair with all my friends (I think that's what makes the difference between an ok friend and a good friend).  I made the mistake of mentioning that I had already invited our other friend and had not yet received a firm yes - but in the interest of time [and my lack of patience] I HAD to determine the likelihood that a had an actual other option.  Of course, she respectably called me out on it, to which I felt horrible - because last time even though she went, I had a different tactic to finding a guest - I simply called my good friends in the order that they had last texted me.

All in all, I feel like this is a perfect example of how I struggle with my foot-in-mouth syndrome on a constant basis - and also, why I will never be a good public speaker ::tear::             

The Many Moods of R&J

I think Mercutio had it right when he told Romeo "If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for prickling, and you beat love down" (Act 3, sc. 1).  There is a school of thought that believes this is the rantings of a man that believes that love can be controlled; however, in my opinion, it is not about controlling love - but about not being controlled by it.  The idea of living outside of love's grasp and writing your own story. 

This is the advice of a man who has clearly had some experience in the torture of heartbreak.  The realization that love provides very little consolation in times when you are out of its favor tends to come as a surprise to most; but keepy in mind that after all, it is misery that loves company - not love.  Romeo suffers from the tragic flaw of perpetual lust, motivated by his drive to find true love (which let's face it, is that what him and Juliet have? or is this just another feeble attempt to rebound from unrequited love that he simply is swept up in?).  He lets "love" take its course and control him which ultimately leads to his untimely demise.  If he had been more open to the idea that love is something that we do, not something we are, like his friend was expressing to him in very dramatic fasion - maybe he would have survived it.  Instead, the tragedy lies in the fact that love conquered him.

It's easy to rely on love as the catalyst for change and internal motivation when you are in cohoots with it, but it is another story entirely when you don't fall under its protection.  The heartwrenching reality is that love is something that is often outside of our control, the only choice we have it to know the difference and refrain from letting it devour us entirely.  

Polar Opposites

Is there a difference between being too available and too unavailable?? Or are these two ends of the spectrum both virutally the same thing?

The biggest complaint that my male friends always have with my approach to men has always been that I was too available; "Men like to chase you" they say.  As I have progressed into the career sphere and out of the college zone and again back into it - my schedule and lifestyle has transformed itself into one that is less available naturally. No longer in the too available category, it got me thinking "What about people that are too unavailable?" 

If being too available makes you not enough of a challenge, than logic would reason that being too unavailable makes you too difficult of a challenge. 

Just another obstacle women have to face - finding a balance. 

Keep Calm & Carry On

1. I am terrible at interviews.

2. I had my gall bladder removed..if you are reading this and had no clue? don't feel left out..most people didn't.


3. I still tell people i'm from Detroit even though I moved to Indiana in 2001. I just don't want to lose that part of what makes me me.

4. I am a lifelong Detroit Tigers fan..but in Chicago I root for the SOX!

5. It's easy for me to walk away from people that hurt me..sometimes I look back, but only if you can't see it.


6. My love life should be considered a handicap..I truely believe I should get special parking because of it.


7. I should probably apologize to most of the guys that kissed me in 2008..only one of them made my heart beat a little faster.

8. I love to travel..I've only been to Canada, England, Japan, Mexico and Israel..but I really want to go to Italy, Peru, Ireland, and Spain in the next few years.


9. "I'm not that girl" should be my tagline


10. I feel like people don't give me a 2nd chance very often..


11. My hero is the baby brother..he's the best person I know.


12. My best friend's name is Demecina..she'sthe only person in the world with that name..Google it!


13. I should probably join Shoppers Anonymous!

14. My hebrew name is "Ariela Fayga" it means "Happy Bird"

15. I was half-born on the sidewalk outside the hospital..I was painless..and blue - like a smirf!

16. My biggest goal right now is to pay off my credit card debt.


17. I definitely was Latina in a former life.


18. My favorite earrings are silver hoops.


19. After going to Israel, I really wish that I had kept up with my jewish studies all these years..I feel like its a part of me that is missing.


20. Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year for me.


21. I've never been in love.


22. When I say I would take a bullet for someone..I mean it..I don't know what other people mean when they say it..but i'm from Detroit and be don't really mess around with that kind of statement.


23. I have guys that have been in my life for so long that I consider them substitute boyfriends..even though I don't want to date them or for some reason we didnt work out..they make me smile and make the being single days not so hard.


24. I never tell people i'm scared..i'm not big on that admitting to weaknesses thing


25. My middle name is Faith..and I think I have more of it than most people are ever blessed with knowing.

Post Hoc

As per usual the hardest decisions we make in life are usually the ones that have the added bonus of causing the most pain.  The decisions that we think are best don't always come naturally, and defintely don't [initially] come with a sugar-coating.  Unfortunately, there is no guidebook to life; no little halo-bearing (wo)man magnificantly whispering inspirational phrases in your ear, no soundtrack constantly humming the tune to your favorite song pushing you forward when you want to run backwards, and no flashing red lights to illuminate the wrong paths.

As we grow up, our decisions also become more complicated; they effect more people, they make and break personalities, and build awkward silences where its never existed.  The emotions of the people that care about you seem to fall to the wayside, and hearts tear in unnatural ways.  As you search for something that you can't put your finger on; change. 

Sometimes friendships suffer as you chase you dreams, sometimes they stand still, and other times through your pain you find the rarities that end up meaning the most.          

Zodiac

Giving advice to female friends regarding heartbreak and relationships can be an incredibly hazardous experience.  Partly because women are always of 2 minds about everything; but mostly because they are [hopefully] not pod people.  When relationships go sour, women struggle with a number of difficult decisions.  These decisions are wide ranging and depend on many variables: length of relationship, problems (cheating, bad habits, annoying quirks, clingy-ness, etc.), personal background, baggage, blah blah blah.  As far as I can see it there are two main roads to take when delving out this sort of advice [if you dare].

You can stress:
1)  Walking away
2)  Sticking it out

Either way, you have to stress that they have to make the right decision for themselves and no one else; which unfortunately is usually the hardest one. 

Sometimes walking away is the hardest thing to do -  to not stick with your comfort zone and run back the minute he calls with his sobbiest excuse, I mean apology; staying would be the easy option.  Pretending that this is just a rough spot [that happens all to often] is easier than starting over, than being alone..because let's face it - for most people on this planet, being alone pretty much sucks.  Have you ever noticed that people who say they love being single usually drink [heavily] and manage to find someone(s) to fill their bed [like it's there religion].  Walking away and giving up are not the same thing.              

However, there are a lot of people that are willing to give up at the first sign of trouble [red flag, warning].  Most times these are the people that have poor relationship histories and are trying to be smart.  These are also the people who are perpetually alone.  Not being able to trust another person romantically is a potentially harmful condition [disorder].  Being alone because you are too scared to feel is a painful reminder of what someone else did to you, what someone took away from you - your ability to let someone in; being numb is not normal.  It's not always a good idea to stay and fight for your relationship; sometimes its past that point, but you have to keep in mind that all relationships have problems.  If you run away from happiness, it's like chasing a ghost - pretty much not gonna get you anywhere.

Think about it..     

Grey Gardens

There are a LOT of shades of grey out there, however, in my current state of limited BS tolerance - i'm not interested in any of them.  You can spend your whole life "what if"-ing yourself- but the only "what if"question that I ask is "what if today was it."  There are a lot of things in life that are nice - but those things are fleeting.  Nothing is set in stone, and nothing is forever.  As time passes things change; and so do people.  Enjoy what you have while you have it, but learn to let go.  Sometimes pain is an unecessary reminder of what you don't have anymore.          

Most Influential

2 hours and 54 minutes into my 3 hour long online exam I came to the realization that: a) I was never going to finish the 75 short essays, but at least my 50 multiple choice answers were probably right, and b)holy crap the internet connection is lost.  I'm not sure which on of these epiphanies was most horrifying - but I chose right then and there to ignore both.  Although when I tried to submit my exam at 3 hours and 19 seconds, despite the obvious, it did not go through ::shock and surprise::  At this point, more importantly, I figured out that I couldn't e-mail my professor for the 2nd time today to share the berevity of my internet catastraphe's with him.  When I finally regained the internet, I desperately e-mailed him my excuse (which was not so much an excuse, but a desperate plea for yet a 3rd chance) - I received a pleasently fast and vague response which I took to mean that I can retry the exam tomorrow. 

I think the important point of this little tale is, that now I will have wasted 6 plus hours on one exam.  "The joys of being a grad student"

p.s. In the midst of this crisis - the air conditioner has went on strike...

TV & The Beast

I suffer from a very dramatic and debilitating fear of being along after dark.  A fear which I am convinced has been cast upon me by socially constructed misconceptions.  In fact, I believe it is one of the few things that both the news and Hollywood conflate on a regular basis.  It is almost certain that a women home alone at night will either be raped and/or murdered; or is certainly single which ultimately means depressed and pining away for Mr. Right - which is portrayed in an equally horrific light.  Instead of fulfilling the purpose of warning women with the dangers of solo activity and arming them with the knowledge of how to maintain a secure environment, media is actually inflicting an irrational fear of the dark onto them, myself included.  Although, obviously some locations present an added threat, statistically speaking living in a constant pattern of fear is unnecessary.     

I wonder if the propensity of these story lines are sponsored by alarm companies..

Kindness is Someone Else's Responsibility

Today, for the first time this eternity, I feel truely blessed to be single.  Being in a committed relationship seems particularly confining when I watch my friends experience it while I live vicariously through them - but it is not until recently, that it has begun to resemble willful torture.

Watching my guy friends do it is even more painful, as they clearly are in no real control of the situation and become virtuoso brainless droids strung out by Freud's principals of pleasure vs. pain in a dose much larger than any doctor would recommend; completely unresponsive to actual human emotions outside their love-dome.  It's like watching someone fall into the mythical rabbit hole - a world beyond discernable reason.  It's a horrid thing to view from an outside perspective.

::cheers::       

Disenchanted I'm Sure..

After several months of fervently dedicating myself and a vast amount of time/energy/money to working on my physique, I have discovered that perhaps working out isn't really the ideal hobby for me.  In fact, I find it neither relaxing or particularly funertaining.  I'm leaning toward the idea that being categorized as just-slightly bordering on overweight (depending on what website you're reading) is simply an inevitable part of my life.  It is really so bad to have a little extra cushioning protecting my under represented bone structure? 
At least I can be comforted by the fact that "cute" is a commonly used adjective when describing me; and my sparklingly sarcastic yet enchantingly optimistic personality could possibly go a long way in disguising my self-proclaimed "fat-girl-ness".

"no need to shop around, you got the good stuff at home"

With 3 or 4 papers standing in the way of me and an all "A" semester it is almost like duh to say that I am currently suffering from writer's block.  Not to alarm anyone, but right now at this exact moment I am in the middle of an all out internal battle between my mental block and writing a riveting paper on the cultural relevance of the novel "No Country For Old Men" which has a due date looming in the very near future.  I can't help but find myself wanted to compare this book with the recently discovered (by me) John Wayne film "Stagecoach" - and discuss nothing else than the heroic cowboyism relationship that the main characters share.  Unfortuantely, that's not the assignment and no points are awarded for creative ingenuity i.e. going off on a tangent totally unrelated to the topic.

Writer's Block is such a rude, nonsensical phenomenon.  I understand if I was an actual writer and my legitimate career choice and therefore livelihood was based on working through the inevitable stress of being insightful, but seriously my brain needs to get it together because this paper isn't going to write itself.  I can already imagine in vivid, 3-dimensional color the domino effect that procrastinating on this paper any further will surely cause on the rest of my semesters success!  Failure ensues.

However, that doesn't seem like a viable option..I predict lots of Starbucks and Red Bull in my very near future.           

Living in The Shadow of Love..and Not Loving It!

As I am prepared to spend the rest of eternity single, the idea of being acutally alone never really popped up in my survey of the fine print- I always pictured a few people along for the ride.  So what happens when one of those chosen few finds a love interest and changes the status quo?

Currently, my on-again, off-again emotional crutch turned quite necessary and accomodating amigo has decided to take the road less traveled (ok so untraveled for me)and date in a non-casual, completely commital type of way.
It's not that I begrudge his choice to expand his happiness options (which I have felt the dramatic need to ensure him), or that i'm pining away for him (I think we've beaten that horse dead) - but, HELLO!  misery does love company, and by that it should be clearly understood that there is silent "single" in front of the word company.  Obviously, there's the completely rational fear of him abandoning me to keeping in mind..
On a more personal note - if he decides that this girl is the cliched "one," let's be honest, i'm no match for love.  Translation: i'm going to be minus one pretty crucial person in my life. 

I had a friend who once told me that you know you're ready to be in a serious relationship when you're willing to let go of your opposite sex friends - I think that's bullshit.  Although, at this moment I am obviously lacking optimism (thus my choice to indugle in Cold Stone this evening) and i'm not so confident on this being a winning battle.  Unfortunately, with finals right around the corner and the delicate line between being a 4.0 grad student and not-so-much teetering ever so slightly in my unfavor - I am unable to exert myself in such capacity involving saving my friendship until at least May. 10th.  Hmmm...maybe it's a sign.  Well as I tell him; que sera, sera.

Stay tuned! ::dramatic cliffhanger music::

Celebutante

Honestly, is the life of a celebrity or former celebutante really that horrible??  In the last few years it seems that the number of actors/socialites ending their own lives or "accidentally overdosing" has catapulted to the forefront of the news. 

Celebs pop pills like dying is in style - and let me assure you that death is not a fashion statement.  There is nothing glamourous about a 6 feet pile of dirt on top of you, and decay does not do a body good.  

Before I Became a Cynical Bitch..

This weekend was very reminiscent of the time before I became a cynical bitch.  I was down in Indianapolis basking in the Final Four festivities at Jillian's, where I consumes excessive amounts of  alcohol and liquid couraged my way up to hitting on the hot, Robert Pattison look-alike that had been standing within 5-feet of me for most of the game.  **By the way my future husband's name is Josh and he roots for Butler - and there is a good chance that he resides in/or around Indianapolis**  However, despite scoring an invitation to hang out with Josh & Co. at a bar afterwards, "fate" had other plans, and by the time I figured out that I should probably exchange numbers in case of such emergency, I was stuck in the sluggishly moving ladies line and he left in the meantime.  So this is my letter a guy i'll never see again, but really thought was groovy and will indebidily hang out at Cadillac Ranch next time i'm in Indy secretly wishing that he is actually a regular there and not just a one time V.I.P. patron.

Dear Josh-
     Although you were clearly wearing too many layers of clothing for the conditions, while I was desperately trying to not look sweaty, and the guys I was with made fun of your scarf..I thought you looked pretty rugged and debionaire in a very Hollywood meets East Coast kinda way - especially when Jen commented on your outfit choice and you admitted that you had yet another heavy, unseen layer on beneath your jacket, and could laugh about it anyway. 
     To be honest, I don't really appraoch men at bars - since I usually assume that they're all douches - but something about the way you made me feel uncharacteristically intimidated and how you made my stomach feel just a little bit like it did when I was 16 and how I experienced the strange sensation of butterflies when you brushed against me, gave me a little extra umph..but since i'm being completely honest, the massive amounts of liquor I consumed may have played a slight role.
     I think you look like Robert Pattinson, which i'm not even sure he would take as a compliment - but you should.  In fact, your mannerisms are exactly as I imagine his to be - despite your facade of being too cool to care (and too cool to admit that's the look you're going for), I personally witnessed you jumping up and down at the final buzzer when Butler took home the win over my own pick, Michigan State.  Something I think we could both agree would fall into the "very RPatz" category.    
     Moreover, i'm sorry I didn't make it out to where you were later that night, where I was planning on definitely, if not completely, being very direct and informing you that even though I thought your pants didn't do your behind justice, that I thought there was something about you that I found extraordinarily appealing and I would be very interested in knowing if my first impressions of you were at all correct - but since the likelyhood of me running into you ever again barring some massive karmic retrabution kicking in - thank you for giving me the giggles and allowing me to smile and stare without getting freaked out in the least. 

Yours Truely,
Lindsay

**Please note that my use of run-on sentences is exactly how I would picture me telling him this in person..life is funny like that sometimes - Enjoy!

Remember Me

How do you tell someone you miss them?

Can I say I miss your laugh? Or is it I miss how you make me laugh?  Should I tell you why I miss you? Or what I remember about you that makes me miss you?  Is it more important to tell you how it makes me feel to remember? Or why it makes me cry when I forget?

I read an article in Women's Health that says heartbreak literally makes you ill, that love turned around can manifest as a sort of flu.  I wonder what loneliness can do.. 

You Get What You Pay For

This was the first week of my what i'm sure will be a longer than necessary graduate student career.  Although I maintain an uber exciting outlook towards it, I can't help but consider what this all really means.  As I perused the reading list/textbooks I was amazed to discover that some of them didn't appear to be textbook like at all, but average everyday reads.  Keeping that in mind, how is this different than simply reading the same material at your leisure..What makes it worth spending an outrageously, phenominal amount of money on tuition, books, and assorted fees (that let's face it, most people never really quite understand what they are used for)?? 

The difference is a simple piece of high quality paper that says that not only you can read, but that you have the higher ability to apply what you have read to situations and circumstances.  This is not saying that those who choose not to pursue higher education don't have the same smartitude, but upon completing this grueling program I will have absolute proof that I can do so - or that i'm extremely persuasive ::picture Alicia Silverstone as Cher Horowitz in Clueless::

Mel: You mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-?
Cher: Totally based on my powers of persuasion, you proud?
Mel: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.

Why the average purse snatcher doesn't stand a chance against moi!

Recently Northwest Indiana, specifically the Merrillville area, fell victim to two attempted robberies both involving women, both during daylight hours.  The first in the parking lot of Meijers, resulted in a woman being shot in the back after resisting (currently in critical condition); and the second only hours later, outside of a nearby Menards (perp was easily spooked and fled the scene).  These incidents rattled locals and sparked the ongoing female debate:  do you fight back or just let them have it??

Taking into consideration that most men that try to steal women's purses tend to be inexperienced, desperate, and unarmed (and let's face it, we can probably most likely add pussy to their list of qualifications) - If I was in this situation, and my attacker fell into the aforementioned category, HELL-TO-THE-MOTHER-FUCKING-YES I would fight back! 

The way I see it, I worked incredibly hard for the items in my purse and i'm not giving my money (plastic) away without a fight.  I figure that i'm in pretty good shape from working out so much and have a nasty right hook, I could probably take an average man; with the added advantage that people always underestimate me purely based on my small size and stature (clearly, a mistake on their part) - he wouldn't even see it coming.  Plus, my Detroit upbringing makes me paranoidly aware of my surrounding.  Also, never forget the popular kick-him-in-the-balls option.  

And that is why the average purse snatcher doesn't stand a chance against moi!   

No Success

"And this is as good as it gets" has absolutely replaced "Sí se puede, you can do it!" as the most commonly used catchphrase of my day as my motiviation to hit the gym is wavering.  I blame this on two things:

1) My current financial crunch - which made me put "responsibility" before "vanity" and take an extended leave of absence from my personal trainer. and,

2) The cold weather. How can anyone be motivated to leave the warmth of their abode for a trip to the germ infested alternative??!  I'm just saying..

Instead, today I have spent the majority of my brain cells running through ideas (i.e. delusions) on how to be more career productive.  No success. 

"Damn, Girl!

Does any woman really look in the mirror at herself naked and say "Damn Girl!  You look good!" Or do most women nitpick about the various points of flab dispersed across their body; examining and ridiculing each bit for its part in her overall dissatisfaction.  I suppose there are some women that belong to the first grouping, but let's face it..most of us fall smack in the middle of the second one. A range that extends to those that are only midly unsattisfied at this sight to those that are depressingly so.  I know that I do!  Despite my extensive hours at the gym each week and dieting - there are still often days that this visual is followed by "and this is as good as it's going to get."  So maybe the problem isn't that I am carrying around that extra poundage that keeps me out of the skinny bitch club, but that my body image is distorted from years of avid television watching and skinny magazine subscriptions. 

Think about it..look around, the average woman is packing on the same extra pounds that I am! (well, probably a little more than me..) 

Yet, I still actively seek that coveted club membership.

Ly'olum lo suv

I wanted to tell you I missed you too. That somehow my life was emptier without you in it. That there was a hole in my chest since you stopped being around. I wanted to..but I couldn't..because I wouldn't mean it. I don't even know when it happened, when I stopped needing you in my life. Weird how that happens.

How I Met My Mother

Today me and mommy dearest went to Meijers for our semi-regular grocery excursion and we get to the checkout line and she informs me that I am now paying for all of my groceries. I wouldn't have been so extremely offended except for the fact that she has no problem doling out $$ to pay for the rest of my siblings and there extra-large sized appetites. However, because I choose to take an active role in my eating consumation I am fiscally punished. Let's keep in mind that everyone in my household that settles solely for what is put in front of them with0ut lifting a finger to help anywhere down the line (shopping, preparing, etc) is overweight! Plus, there's the fact that she could have purchased my groceries with less than 1 hour of her daily income, whereas it took me 5 hours of work to pay for mine..

Ahead of the Times

When I was a young girl, I refused to wear jeans. I blame it on the fact that my mother only shopped for us at Sears and let's be honest - in the 90's Sears wasn't exactly the beacon of fashionable options (ok even now it's still pretty drab); so instead I lived my life in legging-like bottoms. Considering the craze that leggings has become in the recent years, I officially would like to be considered as ahead of the times. If only the bulk of my childhood years had been in the 80's or 00's I would have been the hottest little thing on the block.

To Judge or Be Judged

Today was Day 2 of my trainer-induced diet, and it occured to me as I fought the pangs of hunger and the craving of anything chocolate (btw - I don't even really like chocolate) that it is irrevocably (thanks, Twilight) impossible to escape judgement. It occured to me that skinny people are judged even harsher than the large-and-in-charge crowd, and in most cases unfairly. Yes, some people are naturally stick-like, but often times the quest to keep your slimness is a road paved with broken shards of glass. If you are not blessed with the most awesomest of fat free genes, maintaining a healthy weight and equally flattering appearance is A LOT of work - hours of sweaty gym workouts (cardio/strength training), forgoing that second helping, ignoring the candy aisle, stocking up on vitamins, etc. Some of the lucky few begin the maintaining process earlier, therefore cutting down on the amount of time dedicated to this endeavor; but unfortunately before most people change their lifestyle they reach a personal "too fat" point which requires a hardy time investment to reverse. I have to admit that i've always been more than slightly jealous of my skinnier amigos, but if I had any idea the amount of effort it takes for some of them to look like that - I probably would have admired them a little more for their motivation and determination instead of their lack of bulge.

So next time you cross paths with one of "those" people..remember it's hard work to look like it's not hard work - and possibly, maybe, I don't know, head to your nearest Jamba Juice for a protein shake (just a suggestion).

Douche de Celeb

And the winner of Douchebag of 09 award goes to ::drum roll:: KANYE WEST!

"Take care of my heart. I left it with you"

Last week, I almost gave myself an ulcer based solely on my irrational fear that all men will ultimately let me down. Even though I had secured a seriously awesome wedding date with someone that I adore and would be hard pressed to come up with any argument against him genuinely caring about me; I couldn't help but overwhelm myself with the ridiculous notion that he would bail at the last minute and leave me sans date. I'm not sure when I got to the point where my eternal optimism became engulfed in the flames of an unexplainable doubt..but clearly I have arrived at my current destination. Although my outlook is brighter than it has been in the memorable past, it's depressing to think that my warm personality has become a facade for my painful lack of trust that has become a threat to my carpe diem style of living; that I have become so jaded to distrust without reason, to run away from potential instead of embracing it.

Of course he didn't let me down -he was the perfect date- and at the end of the night I didn't want it to end. I thought that if I closed my eyes and fell asleep it would all end up being a dream.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Relationships are all about compromise. The concept of a "man of your dreams" is not complete without a few unwelcomed quirks, because we all know it's not really about finding someone that's perfect..but finding someone that's imperfections are perfect for you. So what if he can't cook, maybe he's really good in bed; or what if he's indecisive, but extremely handy around the casa? These are instances where you can compromise, where you can fill in the blanks. However, when it comes to lack of respect..is there ever really a good enough compromise for being mistreated?

Relationships are auditions for the role of a lifetime; your soulmate, other half, significant other, hubby, partner in crime. Whatever you call it, most people don't want to be wrong when the game's in crunch time. Things starting off right is a good sign, but pleasantries have a way of wearing off sooner or later and it's important to keep your eyes open for red, flashing, "Do Not Enter" signs that maybe your first impression of him was too generous.

Giving up someone that you have become attached to is a challenge; It's like giving up carbs..not really any fun! But just like giving up fatty foods..letting go of an unhealthy relationship..at first may feel like your being punished, but soon will present you with the gift of results that make you smile.

Calling All The Haters!

Can someone please explain to me what's so hott about having haters?!

It's not a new fad, but it's definitely one that have persisted long past it's necessity.

Since when did being disliked become a badge of honor? Last time I checked, the whole "oooh look at me, people don't like me, i'm a bad ass mamba jamba" not really a turn on. For sure your mother must be sooo proud of her gangsta wannabe, hater-attracting like flies to honey kidd.

Who's that Girl with the Broken Smile?

"Jaded" ::sigh:: is the replacement word in my vocabulary for the word "ruined." A good friend of mine recently applied it to me, apparently she wasn't so keen on the negative connotation associated with the word I had previously used to describe myself in the relationship sense. I guess that makes sense. Ruined is kinda like destroyed, or beyond repair..that doesn't really apply to me..not anymore. I used to blame my history for making me that way; my tendency to chase the bad guys, instead of run away like I should have..like most girls would have.


Now, only jaded, it feels more hopeful. Like Prince Charming hasn't been hit by a truck. Like i'm not sentenced to a life of solitude for ignoring the biological fight-or-flight principle. More carefully guarding my thoughts, and finding it hard to trust may present certain problems in the getting-to-know-eachother process..but honestly let's be real, there are a lot of jerks out there! And considering my judgement when it comes to the men I attract..having a little extra protection can't hurt ;)

Twilight

Working for a public school system definitely has it's benefits. The shining star among them being the stellar 3-ish months off for summer vacation. However comma I've been using my time wisely, and lately the concept of making my outsides match my insides has become my number one priority. More than a priority really..a motivation. THE motivation I've been waiting for to start taking an active role in my own happiness.

Now I realize that everyone has heard the line "looks aren't everything," but who really wants to look in the mirror and be dissatisfied with what they see. Does anyone really think to themselves "I'm perfectly happy being unhappy" ?? This is not to say that people can't be happy being pleasantly plump or live perfectly satisfying lives..but I'm not one of those people. Although I know that I'm not really as large as my mind sometimes allows me to believe, I also am entirely aware of the fact that I'm not as in shape or toned or slim as I could be with a small amount of effort on my part.

In a response to my newer - and very rational - form of thinking, I am taking full advantage of my, let's face it otherwise pretty empty, current schedule and hitting the gym with a more fervent attitude. Realizing that being jaded (stay tuned for a blog about that term) would shine trough a little less if my body could reflect more of my upbeat, ridiculously overly optimistic, and passionate personality a little more. That right now, not sometime in the future, is the perfect time to concentrate on my happiness, and let the chips fall where they might in other areas of my life.

Homophobia..that's so gay!

The state of California has made the headlines as of late for something other than being broke..

Miss California has finally got the boot!

Although she believes that it is because of her personal views toward gay marriage, i'm not convinced. Being in the public eye is all about how you handle yourself under pressure. After her lame excuse for an appropriate response at the Miss USA pageant, she simply failed to carry herself in a manner that deemed her worthy of her "crown". This would have been a perfect time for her to save face by calling a press conference or some other type of press junket, and explaining that she was more than anything unprepared for the question and at that point re-answered the question in a more self-flattering way. At the same time, she could have made it a priority to apologize to anyone that may have been offended at her poor answer. Although she would have had to admit wrong doing on her part, she would have come out on top and ultimately appeared even somewhat humble. Instead, not only did she

I think this says a lot about our country and how far we have come, that an industry historically criticized for being all about appearance took an actual stand on poor behavior. It's a step in the right direction!

Confession de Celeb

Yesterday, (after working out..of course) I went to see 17 Again with my moms.

I must confess that I am totally, irrevocably (from my word of the day calendar...or quite possibly stolen from the Twilight movie that I have certaintly not watched 50 times already..right ::looks away and points at something shiny::) in lust with Zack Efron!

I am definitely digging his swagger..who knew?!

Anyways, keep up the hottness kidd! ..and i'll keep watching:)

The Trainer

I'm not too proud to admit that the whole transition from sloth to straight-to-the-gym-after-work junkie would have not been so smooth if it wasn't for a certain trainer/eye candy. Even though in the last six weeks I haven't managed to utter more than 2 words to him (I know hard to believe from the girl that usually can't shut up), he has served a definite purpose. Having some man-candy around when you're getting sweaty never hurts! A constant reminder of some other sweaty "not appropriate for children under the age of ::insert your preference here::" activities only motivates me/you to work out harder..a little more umph now, a little less jiggling later ;)

Of course my sources now tell me that "the trainer" ::gasp::..
**PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT**
only just turned 20..which in my book means he might as well be 12.
It's like the signs always say - No Shirt, No Shoes, Not of Legal Drinking Age..NO SERVICE!

Elle's Workout Plan Update

Today marks the start of Week 6 of my get-in-shape-or-die plan. Did I go to the gym today to celebrate?

Well No..
But being sick for the last 3 days has really curved my appetite and thus decreased my calorie intake to whatever there is in Ginger Ale and Progresso soup (don't forget to subtract 120% of those calories to account for the new and exciting ways my body has come up with to dispose of both those yummy treats..good times).

Besides this minor set-back, the working out is going pretty well. Although I have managed miraculously not to shed a single pound, my doctor assures me that I am improving my health - and most importantly my friends think I look skinnier. Let's face it..that's really what matters anyway.

p.s. I'd like to extend a heartfelt thank you to my body for quite literally attacking itself for.a.whole.year. resulting in the loss of my gall bladder..without your very generous sacrifice, I may have waited another decade to get in shape ::round of applause::

2 a.m.

Knowing when to hold my tongue has never been my strong suit..unless its a secret.

These secrets fall into 2 categories.
1. Other people's secrets
2. My feelings

The first category is a plague I have been struck with as a result of being a good friend/listener and being able to offer some kick ass advice on a plethora of topics. These secrets are not mine to tell..so it makes it pretty easy to keep them to myself. Confiders beware: I am not responsible for what comes out if you happen to screw me over..lesson - don't screw over people that you tell your dirt to..not smart.

The second category is more complex.
No, I don't keep in all my emotions. I am a very lively person and often suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome, which is a nice break from wearing my heart on my sleeve phrenia (see: the college years). However, in the interest of keeping friendships sometimes I feel the need..nay the responsibility, to keep my mouth shut.

It's not that I lie to people, I just sometimes don't share the whole truth..especially with the men in my life. Full disclosure with males have proven to be less than ideal over the last few years, and this is a plight that unfortunately guys in my life now have to deal with. I'm pretty sure they have it coming. After all these years of being walked on, poisoned, stabbed, pushed in front of semi trucks, crashed into by high-powered vehicles of mass transit (all metaphorical..); I know that I deserve to be a little bit of a bitch.

This hasn't stopped me from walking on eggshells for select few men that have proved to have staying power. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine usually come after one too many drinks, after an emotionally charged week (stay tuned for: Why Weight Loss Makes Me Angry). I don't like to be that chica that's always complaining about what your doing wrong, or how I feel (using feeling words cause me to baby barf). Unfortunately for you, if it takes me getting drunk to finally tell you whats on my mind..I won't apologize for that. At least I'm being honest. That's more than most get (or deserve). Embrace it. This is a perfect opportunity to get into a legitimate sanctioned no-holds-bar screaming match with me about why I shouldn't be allowed to communicate after consuming alcohol..

Someone very smart once said, No good decisions are made after 2 a.m.

What About The Gym Makes Me Feel Extremely Uncomfortable?

1. When I walk in, no one ever says hello. It's not like at the mall when I walk into my favorite store and everyone greets me (because they want my money) or Starbucks in the morning (who already knows they are getting my money..because let's face it - who walks into Starbucks and says "nope I don't think I'm going to have any coffee" and leaves) where the employees have made the smart decision to remember my drink of choice. When I walk in the gym I don't even get a "have a great workout!" or "nice to see you again!" Considering the absorbanent membership fees I pay to workout there (and by "I", I mean my dad) I would like to feel just a little bit more welcomed.

2. I always feel more fat when I'm there..

3. I feel unfairly judged by other worker-outers, or maybe they are called exercisers? I have the (UN)fortunate body type that allows me to camouflage (aka make less noticeable) my fat with the right type of clothing. For example, a regular t-shirt is going to be more tight around my "assets" and looser around my midsection thus creating the illusion of a smaller waist (ha!).

Therefore allowing the people larger than me to form the opinion:

"that little girl came here to do what? Walk on a treadmill?? She's so lazy, I'm over here sweatin' my balls off trying to look like her and she's walkin'! mmmmm hhhhhhhhm ::eye roll:: she's needs to step it up..use that metabolism hunny!!"

and skinny mini people to think:

"look at the fat bitch over there walkin'..she needs to start runnin' like there's a treat-on-a-string at the end of that treadmill.. ::yells:: being lazy is why you got fat in the first place chubby!"

**side note: either way you look at it I'm clearly being discriminated against (they're probably just jealous of my curves!)!

4. When I leave, they say goodbye (where was your endorphin-happy a$$ when I got here?!).

They Want What You Have

Have you ever looked at pictures of other people and gotten jealous?? Not because they look better than you (duh)..but because they are surrounded by other people that "look cool"??

Have you ever sat around checking facebook/MySpace to see what other people are doing via there photos and wall posts..wishing that you were doing that same (or similiar) thing or those people were writing on your wall? Does it make you angry that your "friends" (see below) seem cooler than you?



WELL THAT'S JUST STUPID!



These people are not your friends (with few exeptions). They almost surely fall into the following categories - give or take a detail - :

• someone that you dont really know but met that one time at the bar after too many shots of tequila - straight up no salt or lime - but managed to stalk..i mean locate..them on FB because your friend happened to know his cousins' brothers' best friend
• someone that you met through an actual live friend on a random weekend visit to whosvilleland or when they came to your neck of the woods, that you never had the chance to actually hang out with ever because they live 2000 miles away and don't really know..and even if you managed to keep in touch for a nano second via online tools, you never have the money to go visit - because you spend it all buying things to make yourself appear cool (or perhaps to keep your electricity running..but unlikely)
• someone that you knew back in the day (we're talking stone age era) and haven't seen in possibly a century or so..thus eliminating any potential for being in their pictures (remember digital cameras are from this time period). Yet you feel obligated to accept their friend request because of all that history.
• and my favorite..someone that you have met and because you run in the same social circle you of course HAVE to be their fb friend..I mean how else are you going to keep up with ALL of the gossip from EVERY possible source if G-D forbid you can't read there wall!

Is there a moral to this story? Always!

Look at your own pictures. Your not standing in them alone ::hopefully:: It's easy to get lost in what someone else has and forget that you're pretty fierce too..

Amen.