Wanted: Wedding Date

My sister is getting married this coming November, and of course 2 months and counting I am still dateless.  Now I understand the argument that I date isn't completely necessary since i'm standing up in the wedding and I will be surrounded by family and friends..but I am still pretty set on being accompanied by a tall, tan, and handsome gentleman suitor.

I have narrowed down my list of qualifications to the following: 
1)  Must be charismatically charming
2)  Must be self-sufficient
3)  Must be able to induce conversations with little or no preperation
4)  Must possess a tan
5)  Must assume all responsibility for bringing the flask
6)  Must be willing to be embarrased and/or learn to dance the "Hora"
7)  Must be between the ages of 24-30
8)  Must enjoy large Jewish families i.e. women who complain a lot
9)  Must dable in the art of E.S.P.
10)Must not be afraid of the concept of "lack of personal space"
11)Must look beefy in a sleek suit in a very contemporary, rico-sauve like way
12)Must polish dress shoes
13)Must understand the concept "chivalry is not dead"
14)Must understand the general idea of "minority time"
15)Must hold a j-o-b, degree, deed to something


However, if I was placing a classified ad I imagine it to look more like this (since that list in print might be slightly out of my budget)

Pretty twenty-something lady seeks remarkably charismatic, self-reliant,age-appropriate (non male-cougar), intelligently employed and commonsensical gentleman candidate to accompany said pretty lady to sister's wedding; preferably one with a built in tan..must NOT be a bum,or anything that ends with an -ist, -ic, or -ish.  Fashionably, reliable("sexy") transportation encouraged(i.e. 2010 Chevy Camaro).