Monday, April 27, 2009

What About The Gym Makes Me Feel Extremely Uncomfortable?

1. When I walk in, no one ever says hello. It's not like at the mall when I walk into my favorite store and everyone greets me (because they want my money) or Starbucks in the morning (who already knows they are getting my money..because let's face it - who walks into Starbucks and says "nope I don't think I'm going to have any coffee" and leaves) where the employees have made the smart decision to remember my drink of choice. When I walk in the gym I don't even get a "have a great workout!" or "nice to see you again!" Considering the absorbanent membership fees I pay to workout there (and by "I", I mean my dad) I would like to feel just a little bit more welcomed.

2. I always feel more fat when I'm there..

3. I feel unfairly judged by other worker-outers, or maybe they are called exercisers? I have the (UN)fortunate body type that allows me to camouflage (aka make less noticeable) my fat with the right type of clothing. For example, a regular t-shirt is going to be more tight around my "assets" and looser around my midsection thus creating the illusion of a smaller waist (ha!).

Therefore allowing the people larger than me to form the opinion:

"that little girl came here to do what? Walk on a treadmill?? She's so lazy, I'm over here sweatin' my balls off trying to look like her and she's walkin'! mmmmm hhhhhhhhm ::eye roll:: she's needs to step it up..use that metabolism hunny!!"

and skinny mini people to think:

"look at the fat bitch over there walkin'..she needs to start runnin' like there's a treat-on-a-string at the end of that treadmill.. ::yells:: being lazy is why you got fat in the first place chubby!"

**side note: either way you look at it I'm clearly being discriminated against (they're probably just jealous of my curves!)!

4. When I leave, they say goodbye (where was your endorphin-happy a$$ when I got here?!).

Monday, April 20, 2009

They Want What You Have

Have you ever looked at pictures of other people and gotten jealous?? Not because they look better than you (duh)..but because they are surrounded by other people that "look cool"??

Have you ever sat around checking facebook/MySpace to see what other people are doing via there photos and wall posts..wishing that you were doing that same (or similiar) thing or those people were writing on your wall? Does it make you angry that your "friends" (see below) seem cooler than you?


These people are not your friends (with few exeptions). They almost surely fall into the following categories - give or take a detail - :

  • someone that you dont really know but met that one time at the bar after too many shots of tequila - straight up no salt or lime - but managed to stalk..i mean locate..them on FB because your friend happened to know his cousins' brothers' best friend
  • someone that you met through an actual live friend on a random weekend visit to whosvilleland or when they came to your neck of the woods, that you never had the chance to actually hang out with ever because they live 2000 miles away and don't really know..and even if you managed to keep in touch for a nano second via online tools, you never have the money to go visit - because you spend it all buying things to make yourself appear cool (or perhaps to keep your electricity running..but unlikely)
  • someone that you knew back in the day (we're talking stone age era) and haven't seen in possibly a century or so..thus eliminating any potential for being in their pictures (remember digital cameras are from this time period). Yet you feel obligated to accept their friend request because of all that history.
  • and my favorite..someone that you have met and because you run in the same social circle you of course HAVE to be their fb friend..I mean how else are you going to keep up with ALL of the gossip from EVERY possible source if G-D forbid you can't read there wall!

Is there a moral to this story? Always!

Look at your own pictures. Your not standing in them alone ::hopefully:: It's easy to get lost in what someone else has and forget that you're pretty fierce too..


Monday, April 13, 2009

Ultimate Satisfaction

Over the last 23 years, I have been know to have my "moments" of being irrational, not making sense, of overreacting, and most definitely causing a scene (stemming from one, if not more, of the first 3 reasons). However, Friday night proved to be a humbling and satisfying experience of maturity.

Four years or so ago I had a falling out of sorts with an associate. I hesitate to say friend because looking back I'm not really sure if she ever was my friend, or more of someone that I crossed paths with for a short time. While either way, this person was in my life for a short period of time, and than we had this falling out..actually it was a pretty ginormous one to say the least, but because the reasons behind it don't seem particularly important after all these years (to me at least) I'll leave them out.

Friday night I was out and about, and we ended up at the same bar as her (I have to admit that I knew ahead of time she would most likely be there, and had some time to mentally prepare). After all this time, I honestly had no idea what to expect..especially being well aware of my history of blowing things out of proportion (mostly I blame it on the alcohol), but that night was different. I had a cool head and went in there fully-loaded with my confidence and grown-up-ness (not to mention I was looking gooooood!). While I enjoyed the homie atmosphere of the ghetto dive bar scene..I maintained my calmness, while laughing my ass off at how flustered and aggravated she got over me being there! Not only did she tell anyone that would listen that she wasn't a fan of mine, but she sent a voice memo out for none of the guys to talk to me, and when they did..she sent other guys over to get them..who of course had to talk to me while doing so (Do you see the pattern??). Needless to say I left smiling and satisfied (only partially blamed on the alcohol)...and proud.

I realized that sometimes the best way to stand up for yourself is by doing nothing at all..just being yourself is sometimes the best won fight.

Score: Me - 1..Enemies - Nada!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Return on Your Investment

Today people are all about getting a return on there investment, so why don't they expect the same out of relationships??

A relationship is very much like an investment. You are investing your time, money, heart, etc. into someone that maybe you've done your research on and think is a safe bet, or maybe your taking a risk on someone based on a gut feeling with high hopes that it will pay off in the end. Before making this investment, there are some things to consider: Is it safe? How much risk are you willing to take? Does it meet your goals? Have your googled him (my favorite form of legal stalking)??

Most good investors know that there are always going to be rough times, and if you are in it for the long haul, it's important not to jump ship at the first sign of trouble. That mean just because you have one fight about who's going to hang up the phone first, doesn't mean you should break up and run for the hills. However, a good investor also knows when to cut the investment loose, accept the losses sustained, and move on to invest (date) again.

Unfortunately, most women suffer from one of the following psychological defects that makes it hard to be objective in these situations:
1) I'm-sure-I-can-change-him-even-though-no-one-else-has-been-able-to syndrome
2) he's-only-an-asshole-to-me-when-other-people-are-around phrenia
3) It-must-be-me phobia
4) At-least-he-comes-home-to-me delusions
5) If-I-stick-around-he-will-eventually-fall-in-love-with-me complex

NO! ::throws a shoe at you::

Relationships are an investment, and you can evaluate your investment by metaphorically charting the return that you are receiving. Yes, the bigger the risk, the greater the return..but you have to be willing to walk away at some point. This is not to be confused with giving up, you are not giving up by walking away from a bad investment.

I am the first person that will tell you dating is hard now a days..but why would you put up with someone treating you like a cheap pair of shoes?? If the person your dating is not willing to commit to you, compromise on issues, return the favor (haha), make you a priority, acknowledge that you matter, provide you with security (the stable kind, not the I'll beat someone up for looking at you kind), or just generally show you they are headed for an investment nightmare!

Think about it..

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Why The Government Should Give Me Special Parking!

The definition of a disability (or the one I liked best) is:

A condition that curtails to some degree a person's ability to carry on his normal pursuits. A disability may be partial or total, and temporary or permanent.

According to this definition, my love life or ability to love -in the romantic sense- should be considered a disabilty and clearly I should be given a special parking allowance..especially if being "knocked up" is deserving of several designated parking spaces at the mall. Hello! If your too prego to walk to the door of the mall from an average parking spot..than you probably shouldnt be walking around the mall inhaling all of the odd perfumes and stanktasticness that your lovely neighborhood shopping center has to offer you..complementary of course (**newsflash**the womb is not fort knox!!) . I make the exception for the woman being pushed lovingly by the doted father-to-be..chivalry is not overrated - give it a try sometime gentlemen!

Ok but back to my disability, the temporary kind (hopefully). I suffer from the inability to trust men (and therefore fall in love) stemming from an string of ::insert the worst synonym for bad here:: relationships. I understand that special parking spots are reserved for people that have actual physical disabilties, however my love life is quite possibly the equivalent of a natural disaster and I feel that consideration should be given to my request.

Although, I do have a very effective radar in my possession..don't be fooled my innocent gaze, right here in my very own head I possess the ability to single-handedly find any man in my proximity that is either:

a) unavailable
b) unable to commit
c) only unable to commit to me
d) generally bad news + all of the above

A helpful skill I must say, anyone that gets by my!

...In conclusion, these are the reasons that I feel the government should allow me special parking.

The End.

Monday, April 6, 2009

7 Rules for Happiness..(a.k.a. standards for my lovin')

I found myself having drinks with my co-workers at Don Pablo's the other night after an always interesting evening of making a fool of one's self for the children's sake. Toward the end of the evening, one of my older yet still hip work "friends" brought up my dating life. Keeping in mind that I am the youngest person working in my building, I often entertain others with my still-acceptable-under-the-age-of-25 life stories. If keeping up with my antics leaves my associates feeling vicariously satisfied, than who am I take this joy away from them?? And after 2 large margaritas, I am definitely down to share my list of what is required to perk my interest these days..which is more of what I consider slightly above mediocre standards (that every girl should have). It's not like I spend my every waking minute considering these types of things, but I am looking for someone more permanent in my life and feel that I should have some idea of what he might (will) be like. I am however more than willing to negotiate slightly on the finer points of these rules.

1. Preferably Latino - I feel like this is not a selfish request..I'm really thinking about my future Mexi-Jew or Jew-Rican children, in the interest of their built-in tan and advantages of being bilingual in today's society. Although, I'm not that I would probably consider hott as an acceptable replacement.
2. Preferable tall - How else am I going to reach the things on the top of the fridge or in the high cabinets? (Getting a step stool every time is way too repetetive for my taste) But once again, not being rigid..i'm only 5"1' (aka 5") so anyone 5"7' or above looks tall to me.

3. Educated - Today a bachelor's degree is like a high school diploma..everyone has one or an equivalent. Since I myself am educated, I realize that not everyone learns the same way, and that leaves alternatives such as the military or tech school. Honestly, I just want to know that you have some sort of drive to further yourself and can suport me and my growing collection of shoes, books, clothes, and random electronics..if at some point in time I find myself ::shutter:: unemployed or on my road to that Ph.D I always dream about. So no wavering on this point! Plus, educated men is a definite turn on for me..

4. NO CHILDREN!!!! - I do not deal with baby mama drama! This is a deal breaker for me..i'm the kid that brings home to detention slip that reads "does not play well with others!" Enough said.

5. Must have a car - Who doesn't remember belting out the words to TLC's "no scrubs" (Hangin' out the passenger side..Of his best friend's ride..Tryin' to holla at me..I don't want no scrub) or Jay-Z's "Can I Get A.." (You ain't gotta be rich but FUCK THAT..How we gonna get around your BUS PASS)?! Sometimes other people say it better than I can.

6. J-O-B - The only exception for not having a decent, respectable job (b.k.a. one that requires a degree) is that you are a) still in school (hopefully to become a doctor, lawyer, or politician) or b) have recently been layed off from your lavish posting due to the recent slump in the economy and are eagerly shopping around the career sites for a new one. If you don't fall into this category..NEXT!

7. A reasonable amount of debt - I'm looking for someone to have a future with..that means someone that does not owe various creditors $30,000 and has defaulted on 17 credit cards. A reasonable amount of "good" debt includes college loans (that's almost of given for anyone now) and a small amount of credit card debt (I myself have acquired that from "living the good life" in college and pretending I was still in college for 1 1/2 years after..)

I'm convinced that far too many women lack standards and that's what leads to so much divorce..and since my family doesn't believe in divorce..I have to get it right the very first time.

My co-workers though I was hilarious..I don't get it?

Friday, April 3, 2009

How to write a grad school reflective essay WITHOUT offending the admission committee

In my quest to write the perfect grad school "reflective essay" I have come across some helpful hints in order to convey your thoughts without offending the reader.

1. No matter how many articles your read that say be honest, DON'T! Now i'm not saying make up a bunch of stuff to make yourself look good, but your have to be concious of the fact that you are not the only person applying to this program and they are looking for above average reasoning for why you deserve to be admitted. Honesty without finesse is like a hot dog without without the condiments..just wrong.

2. Say what you mean, but you don't necessarily have to mean what you say - confused? you should be. Admission essays are about guess work. You are guessing what the person reading it wants to hear. Why you? or in many more words: What do you have to offer? What makes you more qualified than someone else? What yould make you a necessary addition to the university? What are you planning to do with your degree? As a future alumni, what plans do you have for your future that is appealing to the school?

Remember, you can always change your mind after your in the school. You DO NOT have to decide what you are absolutely going to do after graduating right now. If your like me, than maybe your too young to even know. I'm 23 years old, and I don't have any more idea now that when I finished undergrad 2 years ago. It's ok to just have an interest and go for it (crossing your fingers the whole way)!

Now I have heard the argument that this is a waste of money, but from a philosophical point of education ever a waste of money? I think that learning about something that you actually enjoy is worth every penny..going to school for something that you don't even like solely for the purpose of scoring a high-paying job that your going to slave away at for years and bitch about to your friends EVERY TIME YOU GET THE OPPORTUNITY is a waste of money in my book.

3. Get your point across while emphasizing your amazingness without writing a short novel is always the best plan. As hard as this is for some, you must keep in mind once are not the only applicant! Remember the mission is not to shock and awe, it's to convince someone to take a chance on you. The essay is an opportunity to convince a university that you are more than just test scores and grades, this of course will be backed up by your fabulous recommendations.

On a final note..the school (yes, just one) I am applying to has a rolling I will be sending my application in next week..cross your fingers for me!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

When did people get so rude??

I was at the grocery store last night with my mom..stocking up on my favorites (at no expense to myself..the perks of moving home) and was completely astounded at the various rude people I encountered.

Example A) the greeter..what's the point of having a store greeter that just stands there? Is it not clearly spelled out that your purpose at that moment is to greet me? This never happens at the mall! Perhaps because when you go to the grocery store, they pretty much know your going to buy something..I mean duh why else would you go there? As opposed to the mall..where mass majorities have chosen the "window shopping" option.

Example B) the person standing behind me in the "NO LIMIT - SELF CHECK OUT" line..this woman waited 10 extra minutes for me to finish because she was too preoccupied with her cell phone conversation to look over to the next line and see that it was completely EMPTY! and than had the nerve to roll her eyes at me, not once ,but a minimum of 5 times! Once again let me reiterate NO LIMIT - SELF CHECKOUT better known as the molasses line!

Example C) the employee posted at the self check out line - Why would you put 2 random bags at the end of our bagging ramp?? See my mother does the bagging, and I do the scanning..and than we switch so she can pay and I put the bags in the cart. Unbeknowst to me that these "extra" bags are sitting I just load everything in the cart. We get out of the store and my mother notices the bags and immediately turns the cart around..I on the other hand advise her to keep going. Unfortunately her moral compass is still pointing back toward inside. When we get to the woman that was "supposed" to be watching, and tell her what happened, she had the nerve to give my mother lip "make sure you put both bags back where they were!" complete with head role. Ha! My thinking: if you were doing the job you were paid to do instead of chatting it up with the bagel boy than not only would you have been watching those bags, but we would have never made it out of the store with them! and stored wonder why there is so much unaccounted for merchandise at the end of the quarter..go figure?!

Well that pretty much sums up my food shopping experience..keep checking for more tidbits on me :)