Saturday, October 16, 2010

The Happiness Pact

The United States has been known for making many pacts through it's history, the most notable as of late being the highly publicized [and equally embarrassing] pregnancy pact.  If you are unaware of its existence, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the facts in this helpful TIME article

One of the prevalent theories behind this being the need for young girls to feel loved.  However, in my opinion this is a very expensive, highly overrated, and under thought out plan of attack [like most pacts made the inexperienced..Didn't Tom Sawyer convince a group of boys, including out beloved Huck Finn that being murdering, thieving pirates was a good idea?] 

With this in mind, I'd like to propose a more cost-efficient and productive pact that I strongly believe would benefit everyone; The Happiness Pact.  Along with this brilliant pact idea, I have taken the liberty to suggest some possible options/activities that may induce happiness.
  1. Break some fine China
  2. Have sex on a golf course, get caught..and do it again
  3. Go to Coldstone and order the "Gotta Have It" [or large] size in any of the deliciously calorically high flavors..especially if you're lactose intolerant
  4. Go to the movies..alone
  5. Blog [unless you are an extremist of any kind]
  6. Date the guy/girl friend that you've always wondered "What if.."
  7. Take a day off to work on the art of sleeping..preferably on a beach; don't forget the SPF!
  8. Enjoy a family-free weekend [cell phone creators made the "ignore" button for just this purpose]
  9. Take a class out of pure interest [i.e. How to read a Magazine without Blinking"]
  10. Consider Friend-Love enough..for now
  11. Drive down the street with a car full of children [with parental permission] and turn around 5 minutes later and return them to their owners; spend the rest of the day reminding yourself why birth control is your friend
  12. Buy a pet rock - paint a face for it
  13. Valium
  14. Avoid anyone that you would label as "psychotic" or "unstable"
  15. Keep a record of how many time you laugh in a 5 hour period
  16. Use helium to produce a chipmunk voice
  17. Google yourself
  18. Have a photo shoot, alone, in one of those mall photo-hut booths
  19. Write a letter, and mail it [I know, a pre-historic retro]
  20. Stop talking to that person that ALWAYS makes you "feel" worse about yourself than when the conversation started
  21. Imagine yourself in an expensive couture wardrobe
  22. Read Homer's "Odyssey" - note: your life/journey probably doesn't resemble torture in quite the same way
  23. Engage in an educationally generous activity
  24. Wear a tiara/crown for a day
  25. Trip..going up the stairs - thereby proving your 4th grade science teacher with the big zit who gave you a "C-" wrong
And just for fun, some extra credit activities might be:
  • Dancing in the rain with the car stereo blaring a bad 80's pop song in the background
  • Pass a note using a paper airplane

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


Although I take no personal pleasure from the end of a good relationship, clearly not every relationships is going to last forever.  When you think about it, during your lifetime you will have 100's, if not 1000's, of them: personal, professional, educational, romantic, and those who fail to fit in any one category without bending and/or breaking.  It is a fair assessment that maintaining all of them for the rest of your existence is incredibly unlikely [unless you fall under the unstable character category - please feel free to take a moment to check out the definitions for the words: stalker, lunatic, insane, and clinically ill; to make sure that you are not being described].  In the case of a relationship going sour, you may need to consider writing a 'Dear John' letter of your own [which I have detailed the process of in my How to write your very own Dear John Letter! post], and will now demonstrate. 

I imagine that my letter would be targeted at a friend.  In my personal experience as people grow up, there is a probable chance that you'll lose some good ones in the process.  The transition from college undergrad to professional to grad student/professional has added some to that list.  For arguments sake, I also imagine the tone of my letter to be mildly harsh [as honesty, lightly coated in sugar, is more my style].

In my head the soundtrack seems like it would fall in place seemlessly. 
I'd probably start with something to get me in the mood, a little musically-induced energy coursing through me couldn't hurt the creative process.  Perhaps, some "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse or some "Running Up That Hill" by Placebo.  I'd follow that up with some more serious "If You Run" by Boxcar Rebellion to remind me I had a purpose and definitely "Back Up Against the Wall" from Caged Elephant.  Immediately followed by Lil' Wayne's "Drop The World," some angry Eminem beats, a little Young Buck, and maybe some reinforcement from "Friends" - Band of Skulls.  Concluding with a international sensation, "All The Same to Me" by Anya Marina.

Dear John,
Although this letter might be a bit of an overkill, since I'm pretty sure by now you've realized, and are in the process of accepting, that we've been pretending to be important to eachother for much too long.  I'd like to take the high road and admit responsibility for my part in the crash and burn of whatever you'd like to define our relationship as. 

I'd like to - but I can't.  I find that it would be pointless and counter-productive, and might leave you with the wrong impression; hope.  Let me assure you that there is none. 

I'm also painfully aware of your knack for turning things around and making them everyone else's fault regardless of the reality of the situation (really it's a brilliant talent you possess), and i'm not prepared to offer you ammunity for your selfish nature based on principle (you understand, of course). 

However, I encourage you to be conforted by the fact that for quite an extended period of time you tricked me into thinking you weren't a committment-phobic, pathologically oblivious, narcisistic, money hungry, jerk face..bravo on that accomplisment.  At least you can be confident that you may have a future as an actor..or more appropriately perhaps, a professional grifter.  

For future reference - friendships are participatory and interactive activities [look up: two-way street], the silent treatment should not be confused with "being busy" for 4 months straight, excuses-on-demand isn't the most attractive selling point in a list of qualities, and lies are best saved for people that don't have active facebook accounts [because "it's a small world after all" and "pictures say a 1000 words". 

Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck in your future.  Since you have a tendency to attract the crazies [read: CRAZIES!] probably need it in karmic extreme doses..too bad it doesn't come as an alcoholic beverage, or you'd be set.

Forget Me Not [or whatever],

This is roughly what your finished product might look for, I did move the quote portion to the end for dramatic realism.  Happy Writing!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

How to Write Your Very Own Dear John

The official definition of a "Dear John" letter revolves around a romantic relationship, but im my head it seems like an appropriate extension of this concept would be to end a friendship as well.  If you think about it, frienships are also complex relationships which can end in comparatively horrible circumstances.  I think that the more important function of the letter is not who is eligible to receive one, but how can you frame your message to elicit the desired result?

There are several elements that I think are absolutely necessary in creating this work of art/passion to consider.  

ELEMENT # 1: TONE [in the 3 broadest-possible, all-encompassing categories ]:
Option A)  Harsh - If you're looking for a gut-wrenching, emotion draining, right hook the nearest innocent bystander type of reaction - than this is the option for you.  Perhaps your friend/significant other is a douche [can also be read as: dick] or has previously commited crimes against your heart [i.e. adultury, starring in an adult film without your knowledge, misunderstanding the concept of friendship being a two-person participatory activity].

Option B)  Feather Bed - this would be your "let-them-down-easy-so-they-feel-like-it-was-their-idea-and-they-are-blissfully-ignorant-of-the-fact-that-they-just-lost-the-best-thing-that-ever-happened-to-them-because-it-was-their-idea" option.  By using this type of circular reasoning you can confuse and comfort your reader.  The recipient should be someone that you still have warm, fuzzy feelings for [like the way you feel after a few shots of good vodka] and ultimately are not trying to hurt - but the expiration date on this relationship has been reached and these things are best dealt with before they begin to emit odor. 

Option C) Indifference - this option is best delivered by text message; because seriously - if you don't give a shit-just phone it in hun.

ELEMENT #2: SOUNDTRACK [while writing an emotional letter it is important to set the mood with a soundtrack for success based on your chosen tone]

If you chose harsh, than chances are you are feeling angry [and chances are that's an understatement].  I would personally choose something with a "fuck the world" type of lyrical entertainment - some hardcore gangster rap would be idealic.

If you chose softly, you may be feeling nostalgic and I would suggest something in the alternative genre circa 1990's

If your indecisive, perhaps just a soundbite..text messages aren't exactly known for being time consuming efforts.

I feel like anything you can say, someone has already said better.  Use this to your advantage..remember you are only as great as your resources. 

If you have all of these elements, a wicked talent for the pen, and a few witty prose..the letter will practically write itself.

Stay tuned for my next post, where i'll demonstrate these elements with [drum roll please..dunt da duh] an example ::gasp::

Monday, October 4, 2010

Dating Checklist - Updated

In consideration of my recent possibly Mayan ancestry, I have decided to add a new standard to my 7-Standards For Happiness (Dating Checklist) which will from hence forth have 8 requirements/strong preferences, instead of the aformentioned 7 (just in case anyone was confused [if you are confused, perhaps you haven't read 7-Standards For Happiness (Dating Checklist) and should CONSIDER reading or re-reading it before moving ahead in my thought process..or not, but if you do it's conveniently located at  7-Standards For Happiness (Dating Checklist)..either way, I support freedom of choice).  [Heyy, shameless self-promoting keeps Lindsay Lohan in the headlines..]

::guitar solo::
8.  Preferably Aztec:  I have been informed by my good friend (yes, an Aztec himself), that the Mayan and Aztecs are enemies, and let's be serious..there's nothing better than make-up sex (especially when you have that much making up to do ;)

Please apply if you meet these updated requirements, and note **all previous applications have now been shredded**

The Fate of the Mayan in my blood?

I have recently discovered through my illustrious research into the Mayan culture (done not entirely for self-awareness, but entirely for a research paper that my grade in the course will be realized by) that they is a not entirely incredulous or unsubstatiated theory that the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel somehow found there way ("migrated") to Mesoamerica and became better known as the Mayans; aptly titled "The Jewish Theory".  I have wholeheartedly jumped on the bandwagon, as this would explain a lot about my cultural confusion - and why I have for the better part of the last decade believed myself to be at least partially Latina. 

I believe that the Mayans and Jews share a common acestry that would make this theory very plausible..
a)  The Jews built the pyramids in Egypt - why not build a few more (that are better than the original)?!  I mean once you've built a there really anything stopping you??  Come on now, the sky is obviously the limit..and since they built the pyramids to reach the can see where this is going.

b)  The Jews are used to living in unfavorable environments..I give to you as evidence #1:  the 40 years they spent in the dessert.  Enough said..Jungles?  No problem!  At least it rains..

c)  The Jews are known for being good with money.  The Mayans developed one of the earliest systems for counting that money.  Simple Correlation.

Now where this theory becomes a little hazy, is the multiple G-ds thing.  In the infamous words of Whoopi Goldberg (or whoever wrote the screenplay for Sister Act), Jews are "stuck like glue to my Lord."  Note the word, Lord, no plural or any kind.  I believe that I can clear this up by adding that maybe this detour from the Jewish way is why these Jews were punished and this ended up back in the land of misery (a.k.a. Eastern Europe).

I find this argument compelling, and perhaps if archeologists revisit the theory - I must insist they include this train of thought.  

So in conclusion, I could clearly be a descendent of the Mayan Civilization...or I could be Spanish.